Ignorance is No Excuse

Okay. I'm on a tear. I admit it. Why I still watch Good Morning America, I don't know, because they have become so "pop/cute" versus "real news" and are determined to prove they're so "fabulous" that they have forced their anchors to do ridiculous things to prove their "fabulousness." (Recent staff additions are so overpoweringly aggressive that you don't know if you're watching an informative morning show or Smackdown.) So I've seen and heard some ridiculous and ignorant--if not PLAIN STUPID--things on GMA--especially in the last year or so.

Today they were promoting another People spread about people who have lost 100 lbs or more doing it the "hard way" versus "the easy way out." 

Regardless of the plethora of life-saving and life-changing stories of so many of us who NEEDED weight loss surgery, most in media still love to infer that weight loss surgery is a "trick" or an easy method to drop the pounds.

This is my response: 

"Dear GMA & Lara & Amy: 

Before you remain so woefully ignorant as to believe that weight loss surgery is "the easy way out," do yourself (and your viewers) a favor and become informed. 

Weight loss surgery is NOT easy and if you don't make every one of the fundamental changes as those who did not have weight loss surgery (diet, behavior modification, exercise, etc.), you will not lose as successfully--and certainly will not maintain that weight loss. 

Read my 3-part series on the subject by starting here."

Most of you know I've had weight loss surgery and have maintained  a 175 lb weight loss for nearly 8 years. Those in the weight loss surgery community know:

(a) We knew we were risking our lives by having WLS. Some of us die on the table or soon thereafter. I have SEVERAL friends who died as a result of surgery, if not on the table. For many people like me, having surgery is a last resort. Just this year I had a related complication from my weight loss surgery on 11/19/2004 that resulted in (another) life-threatening emergency surgery.

(b) They don't operate on our heads and for many, severe modifications in the way we think and react are as vital as how (much) we eat. In the WLS community, we simply say: "They didn't operate on our heads!"

(c) Everyone pretty much can lose weight on any diet. I'm living proof of it. It's all about the long-term and "maintenance." My weight loss history is highly documented. I gained and lost a half ton of weight before finally being able to keep it off with weight loss surgery.

(d) If you followed the way I eat everyday (drinking my low-carb protein shake and eating red grapefruit as I type this), you'd think I was still on a diet because for me, that's how important it is to maintain my weight loss and keep sane. Because the benefits of weight loss surgery (accelerated weight loss during the first year to 18 months, depending on the surgery) diminish with time. If you haven't figured out how to do the right thing in the meantime, it will be as if you never had surgery at all.

So please, please... Good Morning America, People Magazine, and ALL media: Either show the WHOLE STORY, be real journalists and inform yourself, or simply choose your words more carefully. Promoting the aspect of weight loss surgery as trickery or "easy" is complete and utter ignorance.

No Tears for Oprah

Unless you have been under a rock and/or don't watch TV, it's impossible to escape the fact that Oprah (Winfrey) is ends the network run of her talk show this week after 25 years on-air.

I will preface these points by saying my words here are not about being a hater. I respect Oprah's accomplishments and believe she has worked hard for everything she has. For the most part, she appears to have a good heart but has suffered from some misguidance as she's gone about her career.

Although it may be overstating the obvious, Oprah deserves props for bringing our attention to many issues that might have otherwise gone unnoticed. However, I jumped off the Oprah bandwagon a few years ago. You will figure out why as you scan through the list below.

(Vogue Managing Editor) Andre Leon Talley. I stopped watching Oprah when her guest was this pompous arbiter of all that is fashion and womanhood, who was able to declare, unchallenged: "A woman is nothing without a pair of Manolos in her closet." Now as we all know, the Talleys of this world are pretty much paid to promote "high fashion," "haute couture," or whatever they're calling it these days. (Frankly, I call it misogynistic, size-biased, overpriced, budget-killing "stuff," at best.) If a woman needs fashion to feel like a woman, she should take a big step backward and find some real meaning in her life because it sure isn't in her closet.

Oprah made the Talleys of the world that much more powerful and never used her journalistic skills or impartiality to make valid points contesting such ridiculous assertions. Yet in a world with such increasingly precarious economic fragility, the need for more practical positions is becoming glaringly obvious with each passing day.

The hypocrisy in declaring the importance of "angel networks" and "now you know" and being aghast at the number of families going into debt due to "overspending" were clear to me, if not to the rest of her fans. I wrote, I expressed my concerns, no one paid attention. So I stopped paying attention too… to Oprah. I just couldn't stand the ridiculousness of the contrasts.

Target audience. In my opinion, although Oprah is indeed a proud Black woman who has never forgotten her life growing up with modest means in Black America, her target audience has obviously been middle to upper middle class white women. Many people of color have remained faithful fans over the years but in my opinion, I don't really believe Oprah has consistently used her juice to fully embrace and serve those who are still struggling with the kind of life she had been living before she started on her road to stardom.

To me, if anyone needs unending support and guidance, it's those trying to find a way out of despera­tion or a place from where they don't believe they'll ever emerge. Let's just say Oprah could focus a little more on those who seek direction and support than catering to those who already have the advantage of being able to tune in to her daily.

Commercialization. Those "My Favorite Things" segments have largely been focused on items embraced and affordable mostly by her middle to upper middle class devotees. While those episodes seem to be exciting and entertaining to watch—not a dry eye or seat in the audience—they were really hour-long commercials featuring pricier products that were more trendy than practical. It's not like Oprah paid full price for every item out of her own deep pockets; there were advertising trade-offs by the companies involved and lots of freebies for the privilege, and so on.

Actually, when any show concentrates on a certain person or group of persons that then receives huge rewards for their experiences, there's always that bittersweet sense of exclusion everyone else feels… as if they haven't done enough to benefit, they aren't worthy. Truth be told, I've stopped watching most shows like that because I'm just an all-exclusive kind of chick and I feel like others are being exploited for my entertainment.

Celebrity. In such a ridiculously celebrity-focused society such as ours, I'm sure topic-driven shows had to take second place to celebrity-driven shows. This no doubt included pressure from the network and staff. But Oprah took a turn somewhere along the line and her shows became more about fabulousness than real people. If someone with her juice didn't try to upset the apple cart and push the boundaries, then her mission to be real is still left somewhat unaccomplished. In a world where (literally) 1000 people can be bought for the price of one high-in-demand Hermes bag, Oprah still has some explaining to do for some degree of selling out.

Even if Oprah had taken her thyroid issues to a public audience more conscientiously, she could have made a significant difference for so many viewers. I contacted the show years before she was diagnosed because of what I saw to be an overwhelming prevalence of autoimmune diseases, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and similar medical conditions often categorized as "hypochondria" or "imagined." There seems to be astonishingly little information offered by broadcast media to help sufferers to understand what's happening to them and what can be done about it. Ironically (and tragically), it is largely Oprah's target audience that become primary sufferers from these conditions and could benefit the most from this kind of attention. The one episode or two done on Oprah's condition was so much more about her than about the condition.

Money. Again, Oprah deserves her billions, although I admit I giggled at her tear-laden declaration that her life has been so "enriched" by her audience. We should only see a drop in the bucket of the riches she has accumulated since her first show aired 25 years ago. But here's the reality: By having her own cable network (OWN—Oprah Winfrey Network), she stands to multiply her billions, especially when the time comes, I have no doubt, she announces that "The Oprah Winfrey Show" will see a new life on OWN.

So Hasta la vista, Oprah. Congratulations on your achievements. I know the networks are sad but I'm sure you're not disappearing off the face of the earth, either. Paraphrasing what your old pal Arnold has said: "You'll be back."

Mourning (My Living) Mom

As Mothers' Day quickly approaches, my mind is all about Mom (pictured at right with me in 1979 at my baby shower). With a twist. 

 

I could tell Mom for hours on end what she means to me and everything about her that is integrated into my being from my earliest memories forward. I could tell her she is one of a kind. That her graciousness and beauty and talent for entertaining and sociability put her in a class all by itself. How I channel her at times without even trying—good and bad—almost as if I'm having an out-of-body experience. That for the basic characteristics we share, we are every bit as different in others.

Not only could I tell her, I do. And continue to.

Except there's no indication she comprehends. Alzheimers has taken her so far away that we will never get her back.

When I share these more intimate details of my life, I feel like I'm exploiting Mom and my family for attention and consolation. But that is far from my intent. In fact, I often don't know what to say when people react sympathetically. I mean, what can you say? My writings are a reaction to some situation or stimuli; I share my work in hopes others can relate or find comfort/worth in my words.

For fifteen years, we have watched Mom fade away at a snail's pace. There were almost humorous incidents at first. Absentmindedness… Like not absorbing the simplicity of writing an address as simple as "1414." How do I write that? She ended up writing the words "Fourteen-Fourteen." She just couldn't wrap her head around writing the numbers. The disconnect was surfacing.

Within five years, Mom could no longer live alone and family members took turns as her caretakers.  By the tenth year, it was time for a nursing home because her needs were beyond our capabilities.  Now in her sixth year there, staff marvel at Mom's resilience and physical health. "She eats well," they say. She's practically their poster child to contradict people's fears that a nursing home expedites decline.  

That being said, Mom stopped speaking about two years ago. She barely opens her eyes. When pressed for a reaction, it's as if you're pulling her out of an alternate universe and back into ours. But her trips here are extremely brief; it's almost as if she can't wait to retreat back to where she lingers. My fantasy is that she's in a happy limbo surrounded by those who have passed, assuring her that wherever she is, she is loved. As naive as it sounds, it's one of the ways we who struggle to understand this mind boggling condition cope.

Friends of mine who have lost family members with Alzheimers usually lose them within five years. Why Mom continues to dwell in this netherworld, I do not know. It's not that we want to lose her; we just don't understand how it's possible someone can "live without living" years on end.

Watching the deterioration is beyond sad. Even worse is the inability—and accepting the inability—to improve Mom's status. Coming to that realization has at times caused bouts of depression and upheaval among those of us closest to her because we know the direction in which she is moving but we are in our own state of suspended animation as it continues for as long as it continues.

Not without faults, Mom's greatest failing in life was a lack of confidence in herself and her potential. She never really had an opportunity to spread her wings and fly, nor did she believe herself capable of doing so.  Still, nothing Mom has done warrants this sentence. In fact, it's not something I would wish on the most despicable of people.

So you'll understand if I give in to nostalgia this Mothers' Day and prefer to remember what was--instead of what is. If I publicly explore the overwhelming challenge of letting go of someone in slow motion as heart strings stretch beyond threadbare. 

The only solace is letting myself feel Mom's love and believing she loves each one of us to the best of her ability. Sincere and deep, not overly demonstrative but never cold, she strived to do the right thing in every situation and you rarely left her feeling anything but warmer for the experience.

I love Mom. Her legacy will always be unconditional love. She gave it, ached for it and in the oddest of ways, somehow communicates it—even in her current state.

Perhaps the greatest irony of all are Mom's words in her productive days when faced with frustration or pressure: "I just want to be left alone." I'm pretty sure this isn't what she meant.

No Dancing... Just Limbo

It will never be easy for me to endorse tit-for-tat behavior.

Yes, the person whom we believe to be responsible for the worst crime against innocent lives in American history has finally met his end at our hands. But is this justice? Possibly. Should there be mass dancing in the streets, sighs of relief, smugness, and rejoicing? Not in my mind.

I watched in disgust and disbelief as media broadcasted clips of Middle Eastern people dancing in the streets after 9/11. Amazed and disappointed in the apparent soullessness of anyone celebrating such horrific devastation, that level of evil still remains beyond my purview, comprehension and ability to process.

Even though I was barely ten blocks away as the second tower fell, I saw more good and fellowship among people that day than I did the evil that perpetrated it. A decade later, the unbearable grief, fear and shock have yet to thoroughly fade. To think anyone could ever find it a reason for joyousness in those events just doesn't compute; it hurts too much.

Theories that contradict what we have been told about 9/11 abound. Working the newsdesk at the time, I've certainly heard some wild scenarios. But enough information has come my way to keep me from believing that Bin Laden was the sole mastermind behind the horrors and that his death is a reason to celebrate. I have rarely seen great rewards or benefits in retaliation, unless it's part of a scripted storyline. In real life, more often than not it is immature grandstanding.

We recently had someone in our lives who was intentionally making our lives miserable. We had been kind to her for as long as we'd known her and paid most of her living expenses  for over a decade. When the economy changed our personal situation and we needed to alter that arrangement, she made things as difficult for us as she possibly could. Numerous trips to court ensued and in the midst of dealing with legalities, she died of Stage Four lung cancer. As much as we preferred she would disappear while experiencing the immensely stressful ordeal, we still mourned her death. We never wished her dead; it was a matter of "you don’t have to go home but you can't stay here."

I love America and the premises upon which it was founded. As with anything, improvement is needed. We have lost our way and focus on so many issues. We are not omnipotent, nor are we blameless for our own crimes against humanity, even if it is more intentional ignorance/avoidance (e.g., genocide in Darfur) than aggressive violence. America is not always justified in our actions, can be more selective with our involvement (such as "defending" oil-laden countries versus inserting ourselves in the issues of the more impoverished), nor are we always the good guys. We need to remember that many issues in which we intercede, we believe ourselves justified and righteous … but then so do our foes.

Satisfaction

Generally, I know about the book/movie Eat, Pray, Love but have not read, seen or explored it in-depth. Still, I do believe there's a reason why the concept has caught on so strongly with some people—especially women. 

Everywhere I turn, it seems as though people are looking for something but are rarely satisfied. Ever seeking contentment, women would be buried in—and bankrupt—if Louboutin had its way and men would be forever buried in humongous breast implants if Maxim had equal say.  As the Eurythmics asserted: "Everybody's looking for something."

But right there lies the crux of the problem: Looking outside yourself for satisfaction doesn't work. The answer to your happiness does not rely upon someone else, in possessions, or in "having it all." Especially if "all" means closets full of labels and jewels and "stuff." (Ever see hoarders? They have plenty of everything but don't seem all that happy to me.)

Over the years I've kept a mental checklist of a life and I've found that a day at a time (even though in some cases, the days spanned decades) it is essentially my current reality—or clearly within reach. There is little I seek outwardly for fulfillment. What a terrific existence! I know I am blessed and I am grateful, doing my best daily to let my loved ones know how much I value them.

How I got here is that I believed it could happen. My vision was clear. It was reasonable. Never cared much about the idea of living in a castle and having liquid gold running from its fountains. I needed and wanted a place to be. To exist peacefully. To feel and give love. To smile. A simple level of satisfaction that admittedly includes television, music, a computer, and three insanely lovable dogs. With my wilder days behind me, this is my utopia.

Stop the wants and must-haves. Reevaluate your vision of satisfaction. Embrace what is, finding beauty and joy in the simpler things.

If you don't like your existence, visualize a realistic picture of what you want it to be.

Then keep moving toward it, without the noise and input of others telling you what it should be.

If you remain open and reasonable, you'll be there before you know it.

Seriously.

Turning On is A Turn-Off

There's a preponderance of images riding the airwaves and so little of it is satisfying an itch. It's like getting a craving for something but you're not sure exactly what you want. You're only sure what you don't --and I'm getting plenty of that.

This William & Kate thing is so ridiculously overkill that it borders on the obscene. Not every woman grows up with a princess fantasy and many who do were probably buried in pink and chiffon since birth and never moved on. (Makes it quite difficult for the man who falls in love with her to grant every desire, since there's no magic wand.)

W&K appear happy, it all sounds like grand fun but let's just wish them well and let it play out.  

I'm a grownup. I don't need such trivial distractions from the brutal realities of life by living vicariously through people across the pond and monitoring their every breath. Instead of insisting I wake up at 4am to watch something I can easily DVR or watch in clips ad infinitum, constructively inform me about things that matter! It's five days before the wedding; I've already turned off all local and national morning news shows and watching reruns of Frasier instead!

Really, just who is making the decisions these days? The news business has cut back by firing talented veteran news professionals the past few years. People who became honored and credible journalists dedicated to bringing quality news to viewers and readers for decades. The money saved has been invested instead in making sure we know what underwear Kate's wearing on wedding night.

It's deplorable.

In America alone, we are intricately involved/engaged in several major wars; $5 gas prices have quickly become the norm; tornadoes have destroyed entire towns; we have yet to determine the complete economic, environmental and humanitarian impact of Japan's earthquake and nuclear disasters; we are continually told the economy is improving but can't figure out what we're doing wrong because all our cutbacks aren't helping our families stay afloat financially; and beautiful young women are vanishing without explanation. Emerging us in the royal wedding is … insulting.

Here's my initial television wish list:

- Don't bury me in tearjerker scenarios by exploiting the disadvantaged

- Stop trying to convince me that "Cougar Town," "30 Rock," "Mad Love," "Mr. Sunshine," and "Parks & Recreation" are quality television. Overly frantic or pot-induced scenarios do not equal funny or entertaining.

- More first-run episodes of current programming. There are some shows on their third play of episodes that were new at season's start.

- Use your brain and don't cancel a show with as great potential and star power as "The Paul Reiser Show" after two runs. Yeah, it needs a bit of tweaking but it's got much better bones than 75% of anything else making an appearance these days. (Such a bone head, knee jerk reaction to pull it.)

- Stop taking the lowest common denominator of female and focusing on their despicably vile behavior, then make sure they receive millions of dollars and unending attention for the effort

- Tell me how to stay sane in the most frightening of economies; with the most apathetic of authorities; the least inattentive and uncooperative of vendors, salespeople and service people; and help us understand why the most vigorous of us are ready to collapse in a heap on the floor from all the stress.

Just in case you think I'm no youngster and not hip enough to know what's worth viewing, I watch more television across the board and generations than most. It's people my age who are still watching television these days and should have some consideration in programming content. My voice can't be the only one shouting.

All in A Word

My Great Grandmother Angelina Revellino used to say "Dolly* … No talka before you go, talka when you come back." It's something I've practiced all my life. Too bad there are many out there who don't.

Everyone is an armchair expert these days. They half-listen or half-read a line/comment and hastily react. They take another's inventory and think they've got them all figured out.

But here's the thing… You can't possibly know everything about anyone in a flash. Even the most open and transparent of individuals cannot be so easily analyzed.

There are many dangers in deciding to be the judge, jury and executioner of another human being. People who appear publicly confident often intimidate the insecure, who then fight for superiority by devising ways--often verbal--to control them. 

Unfortunately even the strongest individuals with a powerful persona can be emotionally left in a heap on the floor, courtesy of one key word. And I'm seeing it happen all around me more frequently. To people I care about very much.

Despite my position as a "believer," it is becoming abundantly clear that this world is not eager to change its negative path. It's just not all sunshine and rainbows. In reality, it never was—and likely never will be. But it can improve. It can be better.

People really need to step back a second, breathe, reevaluate the words BEFORE they leave their mouths and consider the impact and repercussions.

Normally I'm not much of a name-caller because I was pretty much a target in grammar school and its sting taught me that lesson. Fat kids don't usually fare well amongst their peers and I was no different. Because "Melissa" was an unusual name in the 60s, it was easy to transition the name to "Malaria." So when someone coined me as "Contagious Malaria" in fourth grade, it caught on quickly. No one was to touch me or come near me, lest they too face "the wrath of the bullies."  

Don't feel sorry for me, it's not the first time I was called a name and it certainly wasn't the last. I shed a fair amount of tears and let it keep me down for a while but there are benefits to being determined and thickheaded. So eventually I moved on and forward.

The name calling to my face and behind my back certainly didn't end in childhood. Actually it continues to this day. Now that weight is less of an issue in my life, people just find other names to call me, citing other reasons.

The human psyche is very delicate. I have a better than average understanding of psychology because of my gig writing and editing text. But even by viewing a few episodes of "Criminal Minds," it's not difficult to see that the person who seems to be in total control can become unraveled by a "final straw" (trigger).

The bottom line is that another's head is not your stomping ground. You don't like it when it happens to you. But then you turn around and do it to somebody else. It's a cycle of abuse, pure and simple.

The additional fragility lies in the reality that everybody needs to feel connected. When a target has made their primary anchor and identity related to a social media site or bulletin board or organization, it's hard to deprogram and move on if their intent and popularity there is focused upon by the jealous, mean and/or unstable.

So I say to those of you who love purely and give freely of yourselves to others with good intent: Keep the following in mind when another's words start crowding your head and inhibiting your progress.

-Most of the time, it's really not about you at all. It's about them and their insecurities.

-"What others think of us is none of our business."

-Life is a learning experience. "Take what you need and leave the rest" … "Use it or lose it."

-A thread of truth does not weave the fabric of our lives—or our future.

-Diminish the power of abuses past by refusing to allow them to continually control our today.

-Devalue the impact of words intended to hurt so you can continue your mission.

-Stay pure of heart and intent. Leaders don't follow crowds mired in negativity.

-If it was all meant to be easy, there would be no joy in accomplishing life's challenges.

-Go where there is love and support; repel hostility, negativity, doubt.

-Continue to emanate that beauty from within. It shines. It pervades. It rejuvenates and empowers.

-Stay on course; it will really piss the meanies off. Their impact dissipates with each unkind word.

*That's how Great Grandma said "Darling" in her broken English. (She emigrated from Italy and returned there before she died.)